Myra’s Story
“Out of nowhere, everything changed.”
I found out I was pregnant very early on, and everything seemed straightforward. My pregnancy was considered low-risk, and premature birth was never mentioned, not in appointments, classes, or conversations. It felt like a taboo topic, despite how common it is.
Then, without warning, my waters broke at 28 weeks +3 days due to PPROM (pre-term premature rupture of membranes). Overnight, I went from low-risk to facing the possibility of giving birth at any moment. We were taken to see the NICU to prepare ourselves, but nothing can truly prepare you for that reality. Ten days later, at 29+6, I went into labour and delivered at 30 weeks; ten weeks early.
“I was overwhelmed with guilt. My only job had been to keep my baby safe, inside me, and I had failed her.”
Even now, three years later, these feelings of guilt and failure sometimes resurface. I was given steroids for the development of my baby’s lungs and antibiotics immediately in case there was an infection, and eventually magnesium sulphate (to protect her brain) when I went into labour, but the emotional shock was impossible to treat.
Our Baby’s Birth & NICU Journey
Against all odds, our baby came out breathing and screaming, but she still needed respiratory support and was immediately taken to NICU. I just remember a tiny human who I was barely allowed to touch with my finger and that was it, she was no longer by my side. It was nothing like what childbirth is supposed to be.
She spent 38 days in NICU; 38 of the longest days of our lives.
It was the single most traumatic period of our lives. After I was discharged, leaving the hospital without her was heart-wrenching. It is not how things are meant to be.
Accepting this new reality, not knowing what could happen, knowing that one good day will likely be followed by a bad day; that was our new reality. Every day that went by was another day she was away from us in NICU, but also one day closer to her hopefully coming home with us.
Thankfully, she didn’t face major complications and only needed minimal breathing and feeding support, but the waiting, the beeping monitors, and the uncertainty were traumatic. After a while, you become institutionalised; the unit becomes your entire world. The guilt never really leaves you, even when you know she’s in the best possible care.
“There is denial, grief, anxiety, acceptance, but mostly guilt.”
The NICU staff and my obstetricians were incredible. A few nurses, in particular, made all the difference and made it possible for our daughter to come home “early”.
Our families were always very supportive, even from afar: my nephews’ voicenotes, my father, my brothers’ calls, my grandmother and aunts, my sisters-in-law, my husband’s family, and some of our friends; everyone played their part in helping us get through this incredibly trying period.
A special appreciation to my mother, after whom we named our daughter, and who dropped everything to be with us. Having my own children now, I can’t imagine how painful it was for her to watch her daughter and granddaughter go through this, yet she always kept her smile and never stopped comforting us.
And finally, my husband was my rock, I would not have survived this without him by my side; through the 10 days in hospital before birth, the NICU stay, and every tearful moment. He was our strength when our baby girl was in NICU; always present, wiping away my tears, ensuring that everything was dealt with so I could focus on taking care of our daughter and nothing else, and barely indulging his own feelings as he focused only on my daughter and me.
I know the NICU experience brought the three of us even closer together and created the strongest bond and I am eternally grateful for that.
No Answers and a Second Pregnancy
Afterwards, every scan, blood test and record was reviewed, but no cause for the PPROM was found. Having no explanation meant no clear prevention plan for a future pregnancy.
My second pregnancy was full of fear. We took some precautionary measures, but without answers, everything felt uncertain; I was always expecting the worst and hoping for the best.
Though we reached term, there were complications and a short NICU stay that brought back a flood of trauma and guilt. I could not walk into the NICU on my own again and all I felt was grief for not being able to take my baby home, again…
Life After Premature Birth
Nothing is ever the same. I am more anxious, always wondering whether prematurity will affect my daughter long term.
Every milestone she reaches feels like a miracle. I am beyond ecstatic. Every little step forward is a huge achievement, and nothing is ordinary, expected or a given.
Three years later, the “what ifs” remain, and I’m not sure the guilt and worry will ever fully disappear.
Why I Am Sharing My Story
I want to raise awareness about this under-discussed experience and support others who may go through it. That’s why we support Borne; because it is infuriating to think that the event at the source of life is still so poorly understood and under-researched, and families deserve answers.
Everyone should know about this possibility, even if nothing can fully prepare you for the reality that hits you afterwards.
